Once
by rightersblock
Summary: From Pam's point of view, set after the Jim and Pam kiss in Casino Night


It's been a looong time since I put anything on this site, but I was watching the Office the other day and this just kind of came to mind. There really isn't a point to it, since we know that Jim and Pam get together anyway, but I thought I'd write it anyway. Not proofread, so think of errors as little surprises I left for you to find :-) Most likely a oneshot, unless I get bored again later :-) Enjoy!

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_I'm in love with you. I'm sorry if that's weird for you to hear but I just needed you to…hear it._

I've replayed it over and over and over in my mind. Why did he have to do that? Why did he have to tell me that? He knows I'm with Roy, he knows I'm in love with Roy…what was he thinking? What was he doing, dropping a bomb like that on me?

_I'm in love with you._

And it just came out of nowhere. No build-up, no warning, just _bam_, out there. I mean, he has to know the position that put me in, right? I'm engaged to Roy. We've even set a date for our wedding. And he knows that—he was there. He knows I'm going to marry Roy.

_I'm sorry if that's weird for you to hear…_

I don't understand him sometimes. I mean, where did that come from? Sometimes, I just…it's like I know him so well, and I get him, and he gets me, and I think we just understand each other., and then…then something like this. And now what are we supposed to do? He knows that I'm…happy. Because I am. I'm happy with Roy. I mean, I'm going to _marry_ Roy. He knows that.

_But I just needed you to…hear it._

And now everything is so messed up. Why did he have to say that? I was fine with the way things were. I liked having him there, my best friend, the one person who wouldn't judge me, who really listened, who got excited for me…I mean, it was just so simple, so uncomplicated. He made work bearable. He made me laugh. He was the one reason I actually enjoyed going to work, because I knew he was going to be there, at his desk. Because I knew that at some point everyday he was going to get up and come talk to me. Because I knew, everyday, he was going to do at least one thing to make me laugh. Because I knew we'd either be pulling a prank on Dwight, or making fun of Michael, or just goofing around in the break room…

_I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that._

I'm not stupid. And I'm not going to lie…I knew, alright? I knew. Yeah, I ignored it, I pretended it wasn't true, and I acted like I didn't know. But I did. That day when the machine was out of Coke, and he couldn't talk all day? I knew. On the booze cruise, when we were outside together? I knew. But I didn't admit it…I couldn't admit it. I was with Roy. I was supposed to be thinking about Roy. But Jim…I know it's not right. I know I led him on, and that it was wrong for me to, but he just made it so easy…he let me get away with it. He let me fall for him, even though we both knew…he made it okay. He never really hid it from me…he can't really hide things from me. His eyes…they give him away. When he's pulling a prank? He has a great poker face, but his eyes are always laughing. When he finds some drawing I've done? He acts like it's amazing, like it's the greatest thing he's ever seen, and his eyes just…_sparkle_ the whole time. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true. He's so genuine. So warm, so kind… I bet he was the most adorable kid in the world when he was little, just a carefree, laughing kid who really believed that the world was a happy place and that everyday was just going to be amazing. I can still see that in him…work hides a lot of it, true, drags him down, but he always finds a way to have fun. He still sees everyday as an excuse to be happy.

_I just needed you to know. Once._

He knew I knew, too. It was this weird, unspoken thing we had…we both knew. We were co-conspirators. We knew that the feelings were there, but we just had this silent pact to never talk about it. Ever. We couldn't talk about it…we knew the situation. That's why he said once. He had to say it…once. But why did he…things were perfect. Well, okay, not _perfect_, but it was okay. We got to be together everyday. And we were just friends, so it was okay. It was justified. I mean, we work together, his desk is right in front of me all day. No one could fault us for talking to each other—we were stuck together. So we had an excuse. I thought he was okay with it… I'm not a bitch. I know that it bothered him, seeing me with Roy…but he never said anything, he let me get away with it. And I didn't say anything about his girlfriends, even though they never lasted very long. The point is, we worked together. We had an alibi. It wasn't wrong, the amount of time we spent together. We worked together. We were friends. Why did he have to say it?

_I'm in love with you._

I'm in love with him, too, okay? Happy now? I said it…maybe not out loud, but there it is. But I couldn't say it to him…not there, not in the parking lot, not right after my fiancé pulled away, not when we were just joking around like we always do, not when he was looking into my eyes… How can I look him in the eye? He was being so honest. Open. And what was I doing? What am I? I'm the girl who's getting married to a guy that she doesn't really love…at least not the way that she should. I do care about Roy. He's a good person, too. But…at the end of the day, he doesn't make me laugh. He doesn't make me forget all the annoying stuff from work. He doesn't get excited about the things I get excited about. Jim does. Jim lets me be…well, me. And he loves me for it. He really does. I know he was serious when he said he loved me…his eyes gave him away.

And then he kissed me. Oh God, when he kissed me… It was just so…Jim. He just walked in, no words, and kissed me. He didn't have to say anything else. He'd said it already. And he knew…see, it's this weird connection that we have. He knew. He knew I felt it, too. He knew I couldn't say it. But it's like…he forgave me for that. Even though I didn't deserve it. The way he held me…he just put his arms around me and pulled me to him. Like he knew that was where I belonged. Like he needed me near him. He knew…just by the way he held me, I could tell that he knew.

_You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that._

He smiled when he said it. His eyes lit up. I love it when his eyes do that…it makes my heart beat quicker. It makes for forget to breath for just a second. It makes me smile, whether I mean to or not. I was so high from the way he kissed me, the way it felt. The way it made me feel…cherished. Roy never looked at me like that…maybe he did once, but he didn't anymore. Jim's look was pure. Innocent. He loved me, loved me completely, loved me like he'd never had his heart broken before. It was completely open, without reservation, honest. He made me forget myself for a second. I was actually surprised when I heard myself say "me too." It was the truth…God, I'd wanted to kiss him. I'd wanted him to kiss me. That night on the booze cruise? Yeah, I wanted him to kiss me then. Even though I knew it was wrong. Even though I knew we couldn't. When I heard myself say me too, it was like I woke up again. My voice sobered me. I tried to get out of it by saying we were drunk…he smiled at me. He leaned in to kiss me again. The smile almost did it…if he'd held that smile a second longer, I wouldn't have stopped him. I almost didn't stop him. But I caught myself, just before our lips touched, I remembered Roy.

_You're really going to marry him?_

No. I'm not going to marry him. I told Jim I was. At that moment, I really believed I was. I went home that night, fully believing that I was going to marry Roy. And then…I couldn't. Because Jim had to say "I'm in love with you." Because Jim had to let me fall for him. When I got home, Roy was asleep. And I stood there, and I looked at him. He was on his side, his arm was under his head…and right then, I knew. Standing there, in the semi-dark of our room, him asleep in his tee shirt, me in my dress, holding my shoes in my hand…it seemed weird, like something out of a book. My shoes were in my hand. I knew I was leaving.

I didn't tell Jim. How could I? I called off the wedding. I felt bad about it, but I didn't love Roy, at least not the way he deserved to be loved. And now, Jim is gone. Now I stare at his old desk, and he isn't in it. Now there are no Dwight pranks, no goofing around in the break room…now it's just me. Me, sitting in the office, remembering how he stood there and kissed me, stood there and so openly let me see that he loved me. Now I hate going to work again, because my best friend isn't there.

_I'm in love with you._

Five words, and my whole world shattered. Why did he have to do that? Why did he let me fall in love with him?

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